To That Which We Never Spoke Of

It was undeniable
my heart did flip flops on a roller coaster
flickered in still frames
black and white dripping
focusing hard enough

I knew in that moment 
I would have to erase this outcome
nausea gripped my throat
swallowed entirely into the floor

there was no one to assist my rescue

Your laughter pierced my clouded vision
I imagined myself

drowned in the bathtub  
your indifference become
weaved into my demise

when your body is torn asunder
halves of you no longer puzzling
numbness is greedily devoured

when pain takes resident in the softness
invades your safety
comfort comes from shutting down

my body was a battle ground
waking moments riddled with bullet holes

my skin became a prison I was held in
for crimes accidentally committed
justice cares not for the begging of redemption

this murder was hanging from my hands
I dreamt of clawing it out from inside of me
the choice had already made

Hearing my own voice agonizing the end
a mouth full of anti-anxiety
shock ripped through the entirety of me

Then. Blackness.

It was over.

Our eyes never locked again
the butterflies were extinguished

littering the bathroom floor

sickness made its away
now I was nightmaring
in invisible view

this was my punishment
to be shadowed by decisions
haunted by metal
wholeness to never be again

Pieces

There are times when the darkness
feels endless
sidewalks tend to lead into fog
disguising what is treacherous, waiting
wanting whatever is being offered up as sacrifice
inside a wrist
peak of collarbone
jutting hips
hands in this space are forever coiling around
each curving piece
regard for ownership left under the tree roots
that envelop the wanderer
words taste syrupy, sickly, fractured
each line
no matter its origin
are crafted into promises
by the severed ears that perhaps once
belonged to the discarded hourglass
left begging in the inky dampness
mouth sewn shut around her longing
swollen tongue choking silence
eyes over compensate
betraying what could never be private
nauseous aching of beating tissue
shameful wanting
created what would be her murder

A meditation on loss and depression

Sometimes the demons speak louder than mornings over coffee
I am doing the tango with unseen shadows
choking on loose strings of conversations
violently hoping that the ball in my throat will silence
my screaming eyes before you notice the windows rattling

My heart sits precariously on the edge of my collarbone
exposed, it is easily disrupted from its task of blood pumping
instead it waits to consume the words that hang unsaid
in the space between us and them

I still think about this whenever the tears knock at the back of my eyes
and my fingers knot my rings around my knuckles
I wish it was that simple

On Love, Lust, And Longing

Please, with a gracious gesture
  brush this curtain
    away from my endangered face
      with the back of a hand
whisper, one day
 tears carving riverbanks
  will dry out
    rain will fail to deliver
      memories of heartbreaks
If love is the most addicting
  I have been gluttonous
   drinking in liquid promises
    poured from mouths of wanderers
I am drunk
  conversing with the ghosts
    that reside in this space
     although these occupiers
      are far from benevolent
Fear has driven me into arms of monsters
  here in the wanting
   I wait

Red Days of the Left and Leaving

So many calendars have been recycled

since the day you snapped that first photo

of me unexpected and unsuspecting of the impact

a click of a lens could make

Pictures can say a thousand words

but they can also capture pieces of hearts

this was not something which I was aware of

but has snaked its way into too many nighttime ventricles

Every time another love finds the exit
I seal it shut with sap and nails, yet
you somehow find your way through my veining

You have not revealed your secrets
on how you knotted so instantly into the fibers of my being
if cutting out an organ would offer release
I would willing take steel to skin,
Yet this is not how to gain relief from the unrequited

Healing comes not from taking away
but adding to the tender, browning, undesired
train eyes to see the apple around the bruises

There is no harm in the heart as an offering
It seems easier to forget than to forgive
but that depends on where we are aiming the dagger
to forgive oneself for vulnerability is to become enlightened
perhaps finding the on switch should be our focus

How Distance Is Not Linear

I do not know how to love the distance
have no idea what to do to encapsulate the hours
minutes echo themselves off the walls
does not seem possible that time is going forward
seems as if I have been waiting for a long as I can remember
waiting for the door to open

I need your skin
as much as your heart
and right now I am feeling a little lost without it
I attempt to keep myself busy
but without whiskey to drive the dance
it is harder to convince myself to leave the house
this shell is easier to navigate without the glances
and stares
I don't want anyone to know that I am currently
feeling hollow
I know my place is not inside of you
but my heart has already taken refuge

 so I wait
for time to pass
for the tears to dry from their riverbed
so maybe I can run faster down the calendar
I cannot let my hands sit idle
my brain does laps

I will probably never tell you how hard time time has been
how I shredded the sheets in my sleep
woke up with shadows draped across my mouth
most mornings I wake with your name on my lips
but without you there to receive it,
I swallow, hoping that by ingesting the word
I will feel a little less empty

It is not that I won't survive
 or that I think
that after this, things will be perfect
it is simply that I am spent
my palms out stretched
searching every room for something solid

I have to continue to wait
patience has never been my virtue
so I apologize my love
for the vacancy in my throat
that I need you to fill

Then again, I might never actually
tell you how I felt
during the time when I waited

Journey in a World of Limited Love

To say that I love you is almost to lie
how to describe when someone is part of your marrow?
seen you through the hourglass sands
never to drop the lacing of fingers
or letting your eyes discord from one another
how to let someone know that they have saved you?
not in a saintly way
but rescued your heart from the grinder
helped gather the lost meat parts
never grimacing at the mess of it all
always so willing to get scraped up bloody
how to tell someone
I am inspired by your very existence?
when I thought that this head would explode
from lack of love
your song echoed past horizons
giving strings of vibration to cling to
how do you tell someone you are my heart?
part of my muscle and structure
please do not mistake
I do not reside inside of you
instead have you mended my legs
replaced them with steel heavied pillars
strong enough to occupy the vastness
how do you tell someone you are star shining light
illuminating back a path?
your patience, grace, consistency
allowing sight to what was never lost
How to let you know that you are my other half?
part of the same rain soaked puzzle
we thought was behind us
I don't know how to tell you that you
 beyond my wildest dreams
that with you gone
I float along the pavement ghosting shadows
  gripping phantom empty fingers
I imagine you, maps away
eyes sewn against
what was drawn from blood
unsung songs have no existence
poetry unread
 just words weaved together on the page
love without intention fades
 hands tired of remaining empty
will seek all the promised
in a world without you

Waiting game

Time continues her dripping waltz
hands beseeching ether,
come, dance in the soundless never-ending
cruelly, these sockets still make home to sight
I bare witness to the ribboning
without invitation to join
I become more bone than woman
abilities once prized
carried into another world
what is not whole cannot be tied down
truth could save, but silence shreds
what is left is ghostly
I am comprised of only
time and ether

Final

And like that, there was silence

Totalitarian whole of love gone

What we cannot hold with our hands

And hearts

Will eventually fade into ether

solace in this charred silence

Serenity is closer

Burial of the Forgotten

I know in this moment I am doomed
to live out this life as driftwood
hollowed out bones
shaped so unkindly as a woman
heart a cavern for the feasting insects
sun bleached, half buried in the sands
time ticking lines in melting flesh

Here, I have no home
among the ancient bloodless
encased in stone
almost as unrecognizable
as when I would occupy any bed
punishment for seeking heat
is to be emptied out completely
womb charred
to feel none other than waves
or grit beneath

Abandoned, useless timber
omitted from the story
left to ponder endless shells
waters will not echo calls to
open gates of the underworld
Hades does not want such as this
for her army

How Distance is Not Linear

I do not know how to love the distance
have no idea what to do to encapsulate the hours
minutes echo themselves off the walls
does not seem possible that time is going forward
seems as if I have been waiting for a long as I can remember
waiting for the door to open

I need your skin
as much as your heart
and right now I am feeling a little lost without it
I attempt to keep myself busy
but without whiskey to drive the dance
it is harder to convince myself to leave the house
this shell is easier to navigate without the glances
and stares
I don't want anyone to know that I am currently
feeling hollow
I know my place is not inside of you
but my heart has already taken refuge

 so I wait
for time to pass
for the tears to dry from their riverbed
so maybe I can run faster down the calendar
I cannot let my hands sit idle
my brain does laps

I will probably never tell you how hard time time has been
how I shredded the sheets in my sleep
woke up with shadows draped across my mouth
most mornings I wake with your name on my lips
but without you there to receive it,
I swallow, hoping that by ingesting the word
I will feel a little less empty

It is not that I won't survive
 or that I think
that after this, things will be perfect
it is simply that I am spent
my palms out stretched
searching every room for something solid

I have to continue to wait
patience has never been my virtue
so I apologize my love
for the vacancy in my throat
that I need you to fill

Then again, I might never actually
tell you how I felt
during the time when I waited